its 4 a.m. I can’t sleep…

last night I binged again..I failed. as I was eating those fucking cookies I just thought about how happy they made me. For a moment in time I was truely happy. of course afterwards my stomach was not happy and it effects my weight..yes i get a joy out of eating its the only thing I get to have. I tried to think about other things I could do that would make me just as happy in the same amount of time and everything else I like to do takes much longer… like knitting, sewing, reading, drawing… I only had 10 mins of time to myself yesterday and I’m lucky I get that… so I chose food. It sucks because food is the very same thing that is causing me to be a hippo and I can’t lose weight.

I just hate myself.